Codependency is a word that has been thrown around a lot, without always being clear about what it means. At The Pavilion, in Williamsburg, Virginia, we think it is important for people to understand behavioral health terminology so that they can examine their own relationships and ensure that they are as healthy as possible.
People who are codependent are often seen as nice, caretakers, people pleasers, team players, and other words that aren’t necessarily viewed as negative. Codependency, however, is an unhealthy relationship dynamic that is common in relationships where addiction, abuse, or mental illness are present. It’s an excessive amount of dependence between people. Codependency can be one or all of the following:
- Financial
- Emotional
- Physical
Examples of Codependency
Codependency is not limited to intimate partnerships. Families, colleagues, and friends can also be codependent. Some examples include:
- A parent whose child is an adult who is capable of addressing their own needs, but the parent still feels the need to meet all of their child’s needs.
- A child who feels responsible for their parents’ feelings.
- A spouse who lies for their partner so that people won’t discover the severity of their addiction or so that their partner will not experience consequences for their choices.
- A parent who continues to give their child money, despite knowing that the child has problematic behaviors around substance use and will likely use the money to gain access to their drug of choice.
- A friend who feels obligated to drop everything at their own expense, to hang out with a friend who doesn’t seem to have anyone else to meet their need for companionship.
- A relationship where one party doesn’t feel comfortable asking for their needs to be met because they fear a negative reaction from the other person.
- A co-worker who regularly feels the need to cover for a team member who fails to follow through on their responsibilities.
Signs of Codependency
You can love someone and do nice things for them without becoming codependent. If you’re not sure if you might be in a codependent relationship, you might consider it helpful to look for the following red flags:
- One or both of you feel like you cannot live without the other person.
- One of you has to hide your own thoughts, feelings, or opinions so that the other person will like you or treat you with respect.
- One of you is worried that the other person will abandon you.
- There is no one outside of the relationship to provide for the emotional needs of the people inside the relationship.
- One or both of you lack a sense of your own identity, which you need the other person to provide for you.
- Feeling guilty when you need to do something without them, or that isn’t related to meeting their needs.
- Taking on responsibility or guilt that doesn’t really belong to you.
- Ignoring or minimizing their behaviors that cause you harm.
- All of the things above can build resentment over time.
People Prone to Codependency
People who form codependent relationships often share many of the same traits, including:
- Low self-esteem
- Difficulty setting/respecting boundaries
- Taking on too much responsibility for other people
- Finding it easier to “love” people they can pity and rescue
- Doing more than their share, all of the time
- Needing approval and recognition, and feeling hurt when people don’t notice their sacrifices
- Willingness to do anything to keep a relationship, and being afraid of abandonment
- Feeling bad for sticking up for themselves
- Needing to control other people
- Distrusting themselves and other people
- Finding it difficult to identify or express their feelings
Getting Help
Because the factors that increase a person’s likelihood to develop codependent relationships are often personal crises or chronic, unbearable pain, recovery may require time and support. Therapy and 12-Step groups are often beneficial for identifying codependency and finding new ways to interact with other people. Co-Dependents Anonymous offers online and in-person meetings for people who are recovering from codependency. They offer a weekly meeting in Williamsburg and numerous other Virginia communities.
At The Pavilion, we want our clients and their support systems to have strong, healthy relationships that provide for the needs of each person who is involved. Whenever possible, we try to include loved ones in the treatment process, so that they can also begin to heal from issues that could be impacting their relationships with our clients.
