The holidays can be a stressful time for a lot of people. There can be pressure to do things that you don’t want to do or spend time with toxic individuals. Setting healthy boundaries can make it easier for you to enjoy the season. At The Pavilion in Williamsburg, Virginia, we provide behavioral health treatment for adults and seniors who are experiencing difficulties around mental health and substance use. We help our patients and their families to find better ways to cope with challenges, not just during the holidays but also year-round.
What is a Boundary?
A boundary is a guideline you set for your own behavior. It does not control what anyone else does but can help you and the people around you to know what to expect. Boundaries are a tool we can use throughout the year, but some examples of boundaries that are especially helpful at the holidays could include:
- If someone attempts to convince me to drink alcohol, I will leave the event.
- If someone speaks unkindly to me, I will stop talking to them until it is time to go home.
- I will leave all holiday events by 9pm, so I can get home in time to get adequate sleep.
- I will not spend more money than I budgeted to buy gifts for people in my family.
- If I become overwhelmed by the noise at an event, I will step outside to get a break, and I will leave early if necessary.
- I will not attend any events where my abuser is present; if they show up unexpectedly, I will leave.
What Boundaries Do
Boundaries help people know what to expect and protect a person’s rights in their relationships. These rights include:
- Safety
- Privacy
- Being heard and respected
- Feeling validated and supported
- Being appreciated and valued
- Being allowed to say no
- Letting each person in a relationship be responsible for their own behaviors
How Boundaries Benefit Us
Having healthy boundaries can help people:
- Improve their self-esteem
- Clarify who they are, what they want, and what they believe
- Focus on themselves and their own well-being
- Avoid getting burnt out
- Be more independent
- Have a clearer sense of identity
Why Setting Boundaries Can Be Hard
If you grew up in a family that didn’t have healthy boundaries, it might feel uncomfortable to set boundaries, and you may get a lot of pushback from people who aren’t used to having limits in place. They may become angry or try to make you feel guilty for doing the thing that is healthiest for you. This does not mean that you are wrong to hold your boundary. Your loved one may just need time to get used to the changes you are making and to recognize that boundaries are a tool that can strengthen relationships.
- Be prepared for people to dislike your boundaries and know what you will do if they refuse to respect your limits.
- Rehearse different ways to tell people no:
- “No” is a complete sentence and you don’t necessarily have to say more than that.
- “I won’t be able to make it; I already have another commitment.”
- “Thank you for thinking of me, but I have to decline this time.”
- “I cannot do that.”
- “That sounds like a wonderful opportunity, but I have other things going on that day.”
- Respectfully communicate your thoughts and feelings that led to the boundary.
- Don’t assume or guess how someone else is feeling, even if you know them well.
- Follow through with what you say. Your words need to align with your actions if the boundary is going to be effective.
- Avoid placing blame. Using “I” statements to focus the conversation around your own feelings and needs. Take responsibility for the parts of the situation you can control and allow the other person to decide how to manage their own behaviors.
- Consider the possibility that if a person continues to disrespect your boundaries, the best decision might be to end the relationship.
Questions to Ask Yourself When Setting Boundaries
When you are considering what boundaries you might like to establish in your life, you may find it helpful to ask yourself:
- Which relationships in my life lead me to feel stressed or anxious?
- Am I trying to control someone else’s behavior?
- Am I feeling mistreated or taken advantage of?
- Do I feel like I am treated differently based on how much I cooperate with another person’s demands?
- What changes do I need to make to ensure my needs are met and my rights are protected?
At The Pavilion, our staff uses evidence-based practices to provide trauma-informed, individualized care for each patient in our care. We also work with our patients’ families, whenever possible, to help them to develop tools they can use to support their loved one and strengthen the whole family unit.
